Fried chicken, leftover cigarettes,
I try to live my life with the mindset that long bouts of hard times, eventually lead to a times so good, you'll remember them for years to come. And everytime I feel as if all hope is lost, something good seems to emerge, whether it be a friend to hang out with, a woman who truly understands what it is to love, or a just an acknowledgment at a small time coffee shop. October is drawing to a close, and for the first time in a long time I can look back on it and honestly say to myself, "I did alright." I played the shows I meant to play. I worked when I needed to. I did what I needed to do.
I'm coming out of October and into November with a new mindset. I can understand my goals a bit better. I feel that I have the potential to do this music thing, but I realize now that its a long hard road ahead. And while I may, literally, spend days going without food or cigarettes, or spend nights at coffee shops getting doors slammed in my face, or even go without hearing my lovers voice for days all because my phone decided to break, I know that these are all temporary things. I'm not so alone. And while my motivation to pursue music, education, or money might have originally been spurned by thoughts of vengeance, malice, or spite, they have become transformed in this past month. Because now there is no underlying evil behind my lips or beneath my fingers, only a determination to be true to myself and those who have cared for me and truly do love me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: in times where I feel most desperate, few have come to my rescue. And I'm a simple man. All I really need is a face, a few kind words, and maybe a cigarette. I try my best to not ask for a lot. And yet so few have ever felt that I was worth a phone call, a visit, an IM, or even just a chance. My actions up until this month have been one motivated by those who simply do not care, who are overwhelmed by malaise and lethargy, and those so pessimistic and discontent that the world is nothing more than a overcast lackluster sphere. I sang louder so they could hear. I wrote caustic lyrics so they could burn. And my dreams orbited around ideas of vengeful thinking.
But now I find a surprising turn in my thought. For now I sing loud, because I feel like making my buddy is out having a cigarette and wanted to hear. Now my lyrics are sarcastic and ironic, because I want to see some laughter in the front row. And now my dreams rotate around an idea that maybe I could help make this existence good for these few good people around me. I'm not singing spite anymore.
And so to Kristen, Jeff, Kelsey, Alex, Kyle, Roy, and those of you who I have not learned your names yet, "thank you". You showed up to my shows when no one would stick around, you showed up to my apartment when I had been working for hours, and so many other things. Thank you. This month goes to you.
And so here comes November. Now I know I'm ready.
